I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
