in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
