you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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