i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
