I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
