That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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