you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
