oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
