i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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