Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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