I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
