He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
