Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
