you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Randomize
