My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
