Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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