I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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