I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
