so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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