Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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