last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
