why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
