I have demons in me.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
