shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
