Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
