wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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