moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
