College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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