I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
