And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
