Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
