Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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