i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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