I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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