Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
