Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
