i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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