I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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