I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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