Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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