my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
