I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
