im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
