Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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