just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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