What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just invented taco cereal.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
