you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
