I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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