My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
