Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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