You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
