God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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