I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
