My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
